Who is she and why is she famous?

Katrin Zytomierska is Sweden’s new queen of mean. Whatever she says, there will be headlines. Whatever she does, there will be blood.

Sounds dramatic. What exactly does she do?

She is currently a presenter on Idol Eftersnack, a much-needed conversational complement to the pop idol concept. But she only held onto the job by the skin of her teeth after a series of remarks that showed all the tact of a Javan stink badger in an olde English tea house.

Sounds like a lass with a pungent sting in the tail. What sort of stuff has she said?

She has called contestants names that would make even the Simonest of Cowells blanch. One somewhat rotund and barefoot performer was told that, though she was “disgusting”, she could at least reckon with “the fatso vote”.

A supersized insult if ever there was one.

Yes, but she saved the real Big Mac for the first gent to be voted off the show. Already on the brink of tears, the chap’s mood wasn’t helped by being referred to by Zytomierska as “a little bit too gay”.

Ouch. That can’t have gone down well with the producers.

It certainly did not. TV4 told her she could clear her desk and leave the way she came. But since she had arrived there through being incredibly outspoken and a viewer magnet, she was quickly slipped back in the back door.

Presumably she calmed down somewhat after all that strife?

Not at all. She was only getting started. The straw that broke the badger’s back came in the form of a post on her blog, the tastefully titled Fuck You Right Back.

Wow, she really is a touch of class, this lady. So who got the Fuck You Right Back treatment then?

A gentleman by the name of Marcus Birro – football pundit, poet and all round Italian-Swedish recovering alcoholic. Zytomierska said Marcus didn’t like Jews much, whereupon Birro had several kittens, a hernia and a fit. The whole thing was splashed all over the tabloid front pages, as October was further scarred with the mark of the Z.

But why did she have a go at this Birro bloke?

It all stemmed from a beef Birro had with one of the Schulmans.

One of the Whomans?

The Schulman brothers, Alex and Calle. Zytomierska was sort of married to Alex, and Birro once blasted Calle for his supposed Jewish elitism, even though neither of the Schulmans are Jewish to the best of anybody’s knowledge. In a country obsessed with pop cultural blogging heads, none have managed to divide and conquer as effectively as the omnipotent Schulmans. And Zytomierska, as we already know, was sort of married to one of them.

Like I’m sort of married to Scarlett Johansson?

No, they got a bit further than that. They jetted off to Poland to exchange vows and were made man and wife.

Poland? Why not Sweden

Because there was one slight impediment to the union: the fair Alex already had a wife in Sweden. But that’s all sorted now. Alex and Katrin split up earlier this year so it never really became an issue.

Right. And what’s happened since the split? Has she gone all sulky and hit the burgers and fries?

No, Zytomierska is a lean, mean quote machine. And she’s keeping herself very much in shape after taking up with a fellow called Rickard Nordstrand, a kick boxing champ she met on the set of the TV show You Are What You Eat.

A diet-friendly date. Lucky old her. And does this Nordstrand customer have any strong convictions?

Yes, one for doping and three for assault.