Words have more ‘weight’ in Germany
One of the biggest lessons I learned when coming to Germany was that the spoken word has more weight here than in the UK.
Whilst growing up in the UK I never realised how flippantly we threw in comments during small talk – the main thing was that we were friendly and polite. It never felt shallow or superficial. As a Brit, you just seem to have an inbuilt capacity to differentiate when a person really means something and when it is just polite small talk.
My first encounter with this difference was when I introduced my husband for the first time to my family in the UK. As you do, my mum welcomed him warmly and said all the nice things like “make yourself at home”.
My husband (then just a fiancee) took my mum by her word and one evening, without asking, dived into the fridge and made himself a sandwich. My mum wasn’t amused and my husband couldn’t understand why my mum seemed put out. It was then I realised that this international relationship could be a bit tricky and cultural differences would need to be taken into account!
When I moved out to Germany (back in 1995) I was very keen to try and make contact with the locals, and would often engage in small talk with neighbours and acquaintances.
READ ALSO: What I’ve learned from five years of living in Berlin
picture alliance/dpa | Armin Weigel
Being the friendly Brit I was, I often threw in the line “you must come and visit me“ to keep up the chit chat. To me, it was just another sentence like “how are you doing?” and “ooh, the weather is awful today“, and I never really expected a definite response.
Therefore I was taken aback when these random people I met did take up my offer and turned up at the doorstep. Gulp! That’s when I realised my words maybe have more meaning here in Germany.
READ ALSO: Are these the 10 most German words ever?
Germany doesn’t have the same ‘greeting card culture’
Another lesson I have learnt is that greeting cards do not mean the same to Germans as Brits. When I moved to the Black Forest in the 90s, I realised that traditions that were big in the UK, such as people sending cards for Valentine’s Day, were seen as a bit frivolous and ‘very American’. Around 25 years later, we have moved on and I think it has become more accepted in Germany. But there is definitely a different culture of cards in both countries.
At Christmas time the Brits really go to town and pull out all stops when it comes to their card obsession. Hanging up in our living room are cards that say “to my niece and her husband across the miles“ and “to a very special son-in-law at Christmas time“ – every card perfectly printed for the situation and relationship.
Our German guests are gobsmacked. The German cards seem pretty pathetic in comparison and I usually try and hide them a bit behind the curtains. Some of the neighbours still can’t fathom why they get a Christmas card from the Jung family every year but I just can’t imagine not sending them one.
My husband put his foot down when it came to giving the postman a card.
READ ALSO: What it’s like navigating Covid travel rules to get back to the UK from Germany
Be more direct
The last big lesson I have learned living out here in Germany is to speak out and say what you think. Of course you need to think before you speak.
But Germans just get to the point straight away and it seems like they have remarkably thick skins. I don’t see anyone getting upset and hurt when an acquaintance tells them how to do their tax more efficiently.
READ ALSO: How dropping the small talk helped me make friends with Germans
It can be very daunting for a Brit who often is used to dancing around a subject and whose main goal in life is not to offend anyone. It takes a lot of practice, and even after 25 years I sometimes still worry that sentences like “I think we should do it this way” could be very obnoxious.
The difficulties arise when we go back to the UK. It sometimes seems like I am an elephant in a china shop and I have to dig deep to bring out all those niceties that Brits tend to use like: “if it isn’t too much bother“ and “I don’t want to tell you what to do but….“
So here I am, half Brit, half German (yes, I have two passports) with a whole bundle of traits from both countries.I like to think that my living here has made me a better and more open person and my aim was always to take the best of both countries. We certainly can learn and profit from one another.
What have you learned after moving to Germany? Let us know by emailing [email protected] or leave a comment.
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Thank you for sharing your experiences Michelle. I am an American (New Orleans, LA) living here in Berlin for almost 4 years. One thing I have learned while living here is that all of my mistakes are expensive. You need to pay attention to all the details and read the fine print! HaHa. All the best.
I loved reading this Michelle. We have been in the Schwarzwald for 3 and half years and not out much due to Covid but yes, the Germans are very direct and really do take you to your word. The Christmas cards made me giggle! All so very true. Thank you