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SOCIAL LIFE

Nine ways your socialising habits change after a move to Sweden

A move abroad often brings about changes in your own habits, with many people finding themselves slowly becoming more Swedish in a whole host of ways after making the move here.

Nine ways your socialising habits change after a move to Sweden
When in Sweden, do as the Swedes do. Photo: Tina Stafrén/imagebank.sweden.se

Socialising and making friends is not easy as an adult, especially in a new country, and Sweden is especially notorious among international residents for the difficulty of breaking the ice.

The locals have a reputation for being reserved and cautious about letting new people into their circle, but it is possible – just look out for the following ways you can expect your social life to change.

Forget the small talk

Or at least prepare for a confused response if you try it. Most people in Sweden are quite comfortable with silence and don’t see the need to break it just to exchange pleasantries about the weather or traffic that morning; it’s considered superfluous. So don’t expect others to strike up conversation while you’re waiting for the bus, queuing at a bank, or taking a solo fika at your local cafe. 

Clubs, associations and classes

One of the biggest differences in how people socialise in Sweden compared to many other countries is the major role played by organisations and clubs. Vast numbers of Swedes are members of choirs, sports teams, and running or hiking groups, and however niche your hobby is, there’s a good chance you’ll find a club devoted to it. Work-life balance has traditionally been fiercely protected in Sweden, allowing people to carve out time for these hobbies more easily.

For many international residents, the obvious place to start might be a Swedish class or a networking group dedicated to foreigners, but joining a more general club might be the best way to meet Swedes. The shared interest means you have something of substance to chat about, in contrast to dreaded small talk.

Home is a sanctuary

In many big cities around the world, and especially for younger professionals, it’s typical to live with flat- or housemates. If you’re lucky, these people will become part of your social circle, with evenings in together. That’s not the case for Swedes, who are far more likely to live on their own. Perhaps because of this, getting an invitation to someone’s house is a big step in Sweden and can take a long time. 

Planning is an art

Once you’ve started to make acquaintances in Sweden, the next hurdle is finding time to actually see them. The difficulty of maintaining friendships and balancing them alongside a career and family isn’t unique to Sweden, but there are certainly added challenges here.

Because of the love of joining organisations, many adults (and any children they’re responsible for) have busy schedules, and finding a date that works for everyone involved can mean planning weeks or even months in advance.

Punctuality is key

One of the easiest ways to sabotage a Swedish friendship is to arrive late to planned meetups. If a dinner party is scheduled for 7pm and you turn up 20-30 minutes late, don’t be surprised if you arrive to find both your food and your host’s mood have gone cold.

The difference is most obvious for people coming from Mediterranean, Latin American countries or other cultures which have a more relaxed approach to time. But it can be a problem even for people from cultures which consider themselves punctual. Someone from the UK, for example, might find it hard to get their head around the fact that even a ten-minute delay is something you should alert people to. 

Forget about rounds

This is something many newbies learn the hard way. The custom of taking it in turns to buy a drink for everyone at a pub or bar hasn’t caught on in Sweden – perhaps because of a culture that places a high value on independence, or perhaps simply because of the high alcohol prices.

Instead, expect everyone to order and pay for their own drinks (with possible exceptions such as birthdays or celebrations). More time spent queuing, yes, but it does at least mean you’re in control of how much you drink and how much money you spend.

You don’t mix friend groups

Many foreigners will say that Swedish friends are hard to find but loyal and committed once you get there. It’s not uncommon for people in Sweden to remain in close touch with friends from their childhood, and catch-ups might be long one-on-one dinners or drinks. 

If you’re used to inviting all your friends to the pub or to your house, whether or not they know each other, Swedish culture might have a few surprises. It’s common here to keep friendship groups separate, in order to focus on people as individuals and to avoid any awkward silences or situations.

However, this is certainly not a hard and fast rule, and it’s one you should feel free to break. Many people – Swedes and non-Swedes alike – will appreciate being invited to a dinner party or event where they can meet new people. But it could be a good idea to make sure everyone’s aware there will be people they don’t know there.

Work and play don’t always mix

This varies from workplace to workplace, of course, but it’s not always common to socialise with colleagues. This comes from a respect for privacy and focus on work-life balance, and employers who don’t want workers to feel obligated to show their face at company activities.

There’s also an element of avoiding potential awkwardness; most workers in Sweden avoid topics with potential for conflict such as religion or politics at work, so socialising with people you need to maintain a professional relationship with can be risky in the event you don’t get on. 

But for anyone who’s moved from overseas with no link to Sweden beyond their new job, it can be frustrating if you’re not at the kind of office where people go for drinks together. 

You turn to apps and websites

Sweden is at the forefront of tech in many ways. As in many western countries, there’s increasingly little stigma attached to internet dating in Sweden, but people here are also happy to turn to tech when it comes to finding friendships. 

Whether that’s an app dedicated to meeting individuals such as Panion or GoFrendly, an online-to-offline option such as Meetup, or a Facebook group for people in your city or with a common interest, this is an easy way for foreign residents to meet other people who are interested in expanding their circle.

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READER INSIGHTS

‘Sometimes I explode inside’: How foreigners in Sweden become more Swedish to fit in

We asked The Local’s readers in Sweden whether they’ve tried making themselves more Swedish to fit in, what they’ve done and why they did it.

'Sometimes I explode inside': How foreigners in Sweden become more Swedish to fit in

Many thanks to everyone who responded to our survey, out of which more than a third (we heard from 74 readers in total, representing at least 25 nationalities) said they had tried to make themselves more Swedish to fit into life in Sweden.

Some said it was a conscious decision out of respect for their new country.

“I think it’s important to be aware of the social customs and rules of a society that one has decided to join and to integrate and assimilate as much as possible, but one can always balance this with ways to maintain your original identity,” said Diane from Australia.

“But I think it’s important that since we have made the decision to live in a new place that we give it the respect and value that it deserves by learning and understanding the written and unwritten rules and looking to largely follow them (there’s always some wiggle room of course – common sense must prevail!).”

Many readers mentioned dressing in more muted than bright colours, speaking more quietly, avoiding bragging about themselves, respecting other people’s privacy more, avoiding conflict or simply just learning to speak the language or observing Swedish traditions and customs such as Midsummer’s Eve or fika breaks, as things they had started doing differently since moving to Sweden.

Some people said that the change had happened organically over time, as a natural part of picking up new habits and customs from the new environment around you, and many people said they had found it to be a positive experience.

“Changed the way I dress, work out where I need to be on the train in order to be close to the exit when I get off the train, work in week numbers and not a specific date and more wary when approaching strangers,” said Ami, a teacher from South Africa. “In some ways I’ve enjoyed being more Swedish. I felt more pressure with changing the way I dress but I have enjoyed it.”

Some said it was a deliberate decision which had paid off in terms of feeling more at home in Sweden but also in terms of developing as a person and discovering new sides of themselves.

Pinelopi, a reader from Greece who lives in Värmland in central Sweden, said she felt like becoming more Swedish – for example by taking part in traditions, talking about the weather and mimicking Swedish sounds like saying “ah” for “yes” – had opened up more opportunities for her to feel like she lived in the country “for real”, and that Swedes had responded by being more friendly and open to her.

“Even though you can live in Sweden without being fluent in Swedish, learning the language really opened up a lot of opportunities for social network building,” she added. “I wanted to build a life here and I live by ‘when in Rome…’ I feel lucky because I can choose aspects of being Swedish that work well for me as well as integrating aspects of being Greek into my identity that Swedes seem to respect and even admire, for example being decisive and not being afraid to speak up if something doesn’t feel right.”

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She wasn’t the only one who pointed out that having your feet in two cultures could be a bonus as it meant being able to pick the best of both, although those who said this also acknowledged that they were able to do so because their home culture was generally well respected in Sweden.

“Appear less egotistical in CV. Talk less loudly. Don’t work more hours or ‘harder’ than colleagues. Lower expectations, go for lagom rather than the best,” said Kristen from the US, who said she made the choice to change consciously and without any social pressure.

“It’s just a part of integrating in another culture. You look around to see what others do and try to follow along and fit in. I also chose to learn Swedish. Sometimes I feel that I am not acting like my true self here in order to fit in and be successful. On the other hand, I can definitely get away with behaviour outside the socially acceptable norm, because I am American, and not Swedish,” she said.

Theodore, a PhD student and another reader from the US, said that he saw it as personal growth:

“We Americans can struggle culturally with a desire to overshare our accomplishments and speak too much to keep conversations going. Sweden’s egalitarian culture of humble quietude provides a really great way for me to reflect on my own ‘American’ impulses and how I move through the world because of them. These differences can be found between cultures everywhere and I believe it provides a great opportunity for personal growth, even when adjustments can be hard.”

Gaurav from India said that for him, it had happened automatically “but probably driven by a subliminal urge to fit in which is much more potent than I’d ever accept, coming from the diverse concoction that is India” and added that it had on the whole had both positive and negative effects on him.

“In the cases where fitting in has made my life better (more runs, better diet), it’s been fun! But in some of the cases where I find myself withdrawing to a more private life where I pretend to ride on a high horse and ignore others or judge them – it’s been a conscious struggle to remind myself who the real me is and not go too far into the jantelagen way of life!” he said.

Khalid, a Palestinian engineer in Jönköping, said it was the absence of pressure from his closest circle to fit in which made him feel comfortable to pick up Swedish habits and traits.

“Speaking the language, participating and even taking up a role on the board at one of the local sports associations. Taking up a Swedish nickname, being on time. Waiting for others to finish their sentences then saying ja precis, buying local products and dining at Ikea once a week,” he said.

Extremely traditional Midsummer’s Eve celebrations in Dalarna. Photo: Ulf Palm/TT

Nick from the UK said he kept himself more private and less gregarious or spontaneous than in his pre-Swedish life, but that fitting in had mostly come with increased familiarity of the system.

“It was initially a conscious decision but over time it’s become the norm of how I behave, and many of the friends I’ve kept from prior to my move to Sweden seem louder than I remember them being previously. I do still like to strike up a conversation with a random stranger, however,” he said.

Some saw adapting to more Swedish ways of life as a pragmatic means to an end.

“Staying calm even when I am angry about somebody, never shouting as I would do in my home country,” said Erwin from Switzerland, who said he had realised that staying calm and avoiding conflict would help him get further. “Sometimes I explode inside, but am happy to get what I want.”

But not everyone was happy with how they had changed since moving to Sweden. A common regret was that the pressure to integrate and assimilate had caused them to feel like they had lost part of their own personality and been forced into being less outspoken and friendly.

“I feel my soul is dead and I am a robot now most of the time,” said an Indian engineer in Stockholm. “Subconsciously I now have an emotionless face in public transport which is like a ‘don’t disturb me’ face. I used to be a happy and open person before moving here.”

“I have become quieter and less outlandish and less contrarian,” said a reader who preferred to remain anonymous. They said that the change hadn’t been the result of outside pressure and had happened automatically, but had nevertheless left them depressed and frustrated.

“I feel like being more Swedish has dulled my shine, the unique part of my personality that made me, me,” they said.

stockholm metro

A lot of readers said they interacted less with strangers than they used to. Photo: Ali Lorestani/TT

A teacher based outside Stockholm said she had slowly become less verbal and enthusiastic in work meetings as she found there was very little reaction to her enthusiasm and energy.

“It has been both positive and negative,” she said. “On the positive side I have taken a more passive and observing role which means I don’t feel I have to contribute. On the negative side, I have many great ideas for developing the organisation which I don’t share any more.”

“I am not as friendly any more. When I first moved here I was really friendly and went out of my way to say hi to people. I got shut down so many times that I stopped doing it,” said Molly, an American reader living in the countryside outside Halmstad in south-western Sweden.

“I feel like I’m not my full self, less joyful as I can’t share my sense of humour. I’m not usually successful in making jokes in Swedish. Previously I enjoyed making people laugh, being witty,” she said.

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A French reader said he used less sarcasm than he used to and that he was more careful watching his words to avoid offending anyone, including being less direct and spontaneous overall.

“I wouldn’t say it was imposed on me, but I felt like it was a way to fit in, which is a psychological construct and not a necessity (embrace your differences),” he said.

Some people said the experience had left them feeling lonely, including a Gothenburg-based reader from Hong Kong who said she now avoided asking people personal questions, and a British teacher in Stockholm who said she had stopped making eye contact or trying to talk to strangers, because “Swedes do this to me so no point in trying any more”.

While the majority of people said they had tried to change themselves in order to fit in, some people said they hadn’t.

Some said it was because they simply felt no need to, either because they came from a country similar enough to Sweden, or because they felt they were accepted anyway.

A couple of people said they hadn’t tried to change because they had no Swedish friends to learn from or to fit in with, and some said they refused to compromise themselves to appease others.

“I am not going to change who I am to fit in. It took me some time but I found friends, both international and Swedish that share the same values and interests. I have also learned Swedish, as I like languages,” said a French-Lebanese reader in Stockholm.

“I think diversity in society is really healthy, so I have avoided trying to become more Swedish because Swedish society is so homogeneous,” said Alexander, an American reader in Stockholm.

“While there are some great things about Swedish society, Swedes could benefit greatly from an increased exposure to greater cultural and intellectual diversity,” he added. “I think Swedes have much more to gain from opening themselves up to new ideas and cultures from around the world than foreigners do by conforming to extremely narrow and restrictive Swedish norms and ideals.”

Rakesh, an Indian-Swedish IT architect in Stockholm, said he had found “no need to change and practically it’s not possible for anyone to change, it’s just we need to respect others and be mindful with our public and social behaviour”.

“We as members of this society need to understand our rights and responsibility. Respecting diversity is already part of Indian society,” he said. “Apart from language and food, I never felt any adjustment was needed to become part of this society.”

Have you made yourself more Swedish to fit in? Join the conversation in the comments below.

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