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Being the ‘too much’ family in ‘just enough’ Sweden

Being an international family in 'lagom' Sweden has its challenges, writes Victoria Martínez in her monthly family column.

Being the 'too much' family in 'just enough' Sweden
Our family is anything but lagom. Photo: Victoria Martínez

The other day, I was closing my daughter’s bedroom window at the same time I was repeating something to her for the fifteenth time in a loud voice – some might even call it shouting. As this was happening, a neighbour was entering our building from the common entrance below and looked up a bit startled. When she saw me, her startled look turned into a knowing grin, followed by a friendly nod, and I could almost see her thinking, “Of course. I should have known it was the excitable American with the loud Spanish husband and the two wild children.”

Needless to say, our family does stand out at times as being the antithesis of lagom, that Swedish state of being usually defined as moderate in all things or “just enough.”

We are the family of “too much” – too loud, too enthusiastic, too emotional – and this has become painfully obvious to me in the ten months since we moved to Sweden. Not that most native Swedes seem bothered by it. Or, at least, they are very circumspect in showing it; which is, of course, a very lagom response. But I can’t help but feel self-conscious about it.

Raising our children in Spain, where “too much” is basically the norm, we were far less noticeable. As loud as my so-called “Mommy voice” can be, my husband’s commanding “Daddy voice” in Spanish is positively booming. It fit right in in Spain, but not so much here in Sweden, where anyone with a knowledge of Spanish who hears my husband remonstrating with our children is likely to feel compelled to follow his orders as well. For my part, the voluble and emotional American in me was known to draw notice in Spain when dealing with my children, but mainly because it was primarily expressed in English. No one would have batted an eyelash had it been done exclusively in Spanish.

READ ALSO: Why being an immigrant parent is not for the faint of heart


My husband's booming 'Daddy voice' fit right in in Spain. Not so much in Sweden. Photo: Victoria Martínez

In family joy – as in parental angst – we are also “too much.” How can we not be? With one side that epitomizes the Spanish expression of “GOOOOOLLLLLLLLL!” applied to almost all of life’s victories, and the other side epitomizing the extroverted and effusive American, we are not likely to easily adopt too many lagom characteristics. As much as we pride ourselves more as citizens of the world than a typical American and Spaniard, it seems we can’t escape at least a few of our respective cultural traits that clearly manifest themselves in our parenting style. It just isn’t that common here in Sweden to see families making a big commotion – and we, collectively, seem to be experts at that.

As the parent who spends the most time with the children on a daily basis, I have come to recognize more than a few situations where I seem to go against the norm. The main one is the playground, where I note Swedish parents behaving in a generally serene and dignified fashion. I like to think that it’s because my children are quite young, but it seems I am almost always climbing, running or calling after them, and typically becoming as dirty and worn out as they are. Serene and dignified are rarely used to describe me at those times.

Another is the library – a place that is, to a researcher and writer like me, almost sacred. As a result, when my children act like children there – and they always do – I am anything but moderate in my parental threats and bribes, even if they are made in whispers. Yet another is the supermarket, a place that regular readers of this column might recall I experienced some of my earliest parental nightmares in Sweden.

READ MORE: Everything you need to know about family life in Sweden


Being an international parent in Sweden is not without challenges. Photo: Victoria Martínez

We can’t change who we are, individually or as a family, so it’s great that Sweden is a country where social integration – not cultural assimilation – is the goal. Nevertheless, perhaps I should give in to commercialization as a writer and use this situation to my advantage by writing an authoritative book on lagom parenting in Sweden.

Yes, I have been here less than a year. No, I have not reached that state of apparent Zen that many Swedish parents exhibit when their children begin running, screaming and generally behaving like little monsters. True, I am almost exactly the same parent I was when I lived in Spain and didn’t necessarily parent like the average Spaniard. So, how – you may ask – will I write “the” book on lagom parenting when I am clearly not lagom?

That’s easy. I will simply advise doing everything the opposite of how our family currently does it. And the title will be one of our family’s most-used phrases, “Just dial it down a bit!”

Victoria Martínez is an American historical researcher, writer and author of three historical non-fiction books. She lives in Småland county, Sweden, with her Spanish husband and their two children.

Read more from her family column on The Local here.

For members

MOVING TO SWEDEN

Reader question: How can I retire to Sweden?

Although Sweden may be a less popular retirement destination than other European countries like Spain or Portugal, there are many pensioners who plan on retiring in the Nordic country. What are the rules for foreigners?

Reader question: How can I retire to Sweden?

Nordic citizens

Perhaps unsurprisingly, it’s easiest for Nordic citizens to retire in Sweden, as they enjoy unrestricted rights to live and work in any of the Nordic countries without the need for any kind of work or residence permits or EU residence documents.

This means that citizens of the Nordic countries can essentially just move to Sweden and register their arrival at the Tax Agency upon their arrival, bringing with them a passport or national ID card, as well as documentation proving their civil status (married, registered partner, single or divorced), and the birth certificate of any children moving with them.

EU citizens

The situation for EU citizens is similar to that of Nordic citizens. 

EU citizens also report their move to the Tax Agency upon arrival in Sweden, and will need to show identity documents (such as a national ID card or passport), provide their full address in Sweden, including four-figure apartment number if applicable, as well as the name of whoever they are living with if they are living in someone else’s home.

They will also need to prove that they have EU right of residence. This can be done in a number of ways, including proof of work or proof of studies, but the relevant path for most retirees is proof of self-sufficiency, which essentially means documenting housing costs, including electricity and home insurance, and showing that you have some means of covering these financially, such as via a bank statement with a high enough balance, confirmation of a pension of a sufficient size, or an employment contract and payslip from another country, if the applicant is not planning on fully retiring straight away.

It’s also possible to prove self-sufficiency by providing a document or letter confirming that someone else can support you financially, along with a bank statement to back this up. There’s no application fee.

EU citizens may also need to provide proof of their civil status, whether they’re moving alone or with someone else.

Non-EU citizens

As a general rule, it’s not possible to retire to Sweden as a non-EU citizen unless your partner is a Swede or an EU citizen, or unless you’re a long-term resident of another EU country (if that applies to you, see below for details of these routes).

This is due to the fact that non-EU citizens need residency permits to live in Sweden, and these are only granted due to work, studies, or moving to live with someone who already has the right to live in Sweden.

If you don’t have a Swedish or EU partner but you have plans to retire to Sweden at some point in the future, you could in theory get a work permit in Sweden and work until you qualify for permanent residency, which usually means working in Sweden for at least five years.

Note that Sweden’s government is planning on reforming the permanent residency rules, so it’s likely that applicants choosing to do this would have to take language and civics tests in order to qualify for permanent residency in the future. 

It is also likely that the residence requirement for permanent residency could be extended or otherwise altered within the next five years, so be prepared that the rules could change in the future if you do decide to go down this route.

What if only one of us is an EU citizen?

If you’re planning to move as a couple but only one of you is an EU citizen, the non-EU citizen should be able to qualify for a residence card as a family member of an EU citizen.

This allows the non-EU family member to live in Sweden as long as their EU citizen partner fulfils EU right of residence rules (by documenting self-sufficiency as explained above, for example). There is no application fee.

In order to get an EU residence card, the non-EU citizen must have a valid passport, be able to show that they belong to the same family as the EU citizen (through, for example, a marriage certificate or proof of cohabitation), and the EU citizen must be able to show that they meet the EU right of residence requirements.

This doesn’t just apply to partners or spouses of EU citizens either – it can be used for children of either parent aged 21 or under, or other family members who are financially dependent on the applicant (including children over 21 and parents, or anyone the applicant takes care of due to serious health reasons).

You may also need to provide proof that you are either covered by the social insurance system in your country of origin, or proof that you have taken out full-coverage private healthcare insurance for your stay in Sweden.

Swedes are not normally considered EU citizens in this context, unless they were recently living with their partner in another EU/EEA country or Switzerland. See below for the rules for couples consisting of a non-EU citizen and a Swede.

What if one of us is a non-EU citizen and the other is a Swede?

The process for non-EU citizens wishing to retire to Sweden with their Swedish partner varies, depending on where the couple lived before retiring.

If the couple lived together in another EU country (this includes the UK if they lived there together before Brexit), they can apply under the route described above for non-EU partners of EU citizens.

If that is not the case, they can apply for a residence permit to move to a spouse or cohabiting partner in Sweden, sometimes referred to as a “sambo visa” (sambo is the Swedish word for a cohabiting partner).

In this case, the Swede must be able to support both themselves and their partner (which in 2023 meant having at least 9,445 kronor left after housing costs are paid each month), and have a house which is big enough – a home of at least one room with a kitchen or kitchenette, for a couple without children. The application fee is 2,000 kronor for an adult.

What about non-EU citizens who previously lived in Sweden?

In some cases, non-EU citizens who have previously held a permanent residence permit in Sweden are eligible for a new residence permit if they can prove sufficient ties to Sweden.

If they have been living abroad for three years or less, they must have lived in Sweden for at least four years in order to be eligible for a new permit. 

Non-EU citizens living outside Sweden for more than three years must usually have lived in Sweden for at least ten years to qualify for a “returning to Sweden” permit, or if they can prove sufficient ties to Sweden in some other way.

The Migration Agency will assess your application to determine how strong your ties are to Sweden compared with your home country or the other country you have been living in since you left Sweden, and factors such as where you chose to have a family or whether your reasons for leaving Sweden were out of your control will be taken into account.

If your permit is granted, your partner or any other family member wishing to come with you will also need to apply for a permit to join you in Sweden, most likely a residence permit to move to a spouse or cohabiting partner in Sweden.

What about non-EU citizens who have long-term residence permits from another EU country?

In some cases, non-EU citizens who have lived in another EU country for at least five years are able to move to Sweden under EU freedom of movement rules.

This particular route applies to holders of the EC/EU residence permit for long term residents. This grants them certain rights similar to the rights of EU citizens, including the right to move to other EU countries to work, study, start a business or live off a pension.

Not all EU countries issue these permits – Denmark and Ireland do not issue long-term resident status cards to their non-EU residents – and they have different names in different countries, but if you have one of these cards you will be able to move to Sweden as long as you also fulfill the self-sufficiency rules for EU citizens. You will need to apply for the card in your country of residence before moving to Sweden.

You cannot, however, register your arrival at the Tax Agency, like EU citizens, and will instead need to apply for a residence permit from the Migration Agency within three months of arrival.

You will need to fill in this form (Application for a residence permit for persons who have long-term resident status in another EU state and their family members, 137011), and either hand it in directly to a Migration Agency permit service unit or post it to the Migration Agency office responsible for EEA and long-term residence permits. The fee costs 1,500 kronor for adults and adult family members, or 750 kronor for children under the age of 18. 

What about Brits?

Brits moving to Sweden after December 31st, 2020 are subject to the same rules as non-EU citizens. This means that they will need to apply for a residence permit or a card proving right of residence as a family member of an EU citizen if they wish to move to Sweden, or will need to hold a EC/EU residence permit from another EU country.

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