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Germany insists on these 8 things, even though they’re rubbish

We're not saying our home countries get everything right - not by a long way. But we just don't get why Germany is too stubborn to admit that all these things are a bit crap.

Germany insists on these 8 things, even though they're rubbish
Photo: DPA

1. Swapping a kitchen every time you change flat

You may well have heard the expression “taking everything but the kitchen sink.” Well in Germany, when you move house you often take that too, even if you're just letting.

If you are moving out of the flat, and find that the kitchen was actually put in by the previous tenant, but was never paid for by the landlord, then the kitchen is legally your responsibility.

That means that if the new tenant wants to bring their own kitchen (which is not uncommon) it is your job to deal with it, otherwise the landlord could charge you for the cost of removing it.

This can be particularly maddening for people moving far away who can’t exactly fill a suitcase with the dishwasher and the fridge. If you're not prepared you may end up selling perfectly good kitchen appliances for a fraction of what you bought them for.

It also means that, if you are arriving fresh in Germany, on top of all the furniture you expected to buy, you could end up forking out for an oven, a fridge, a sink and a dishwasher.

2. Having to pay a TV licence fee – even if you don’t own an idiot box

Nowadays few of us have a TV. Or at least you’re unlikely to buy one if you’ve just moved to Germany when you have Netflix, Amazon Prime, and the rest of the internet to choose from.

But for some reason every German household has to pay a TV and radio licence, regardless of whether you own one.

And it’s not exactly cheap. Each household has to pay €17.50 per month. And don’t expect to slip under the radar: the authorities will soon be in touch, and may even threaten to seize your car, even if you don’t have one of those either.

3. Dubbing our favourite movies

Since you're forced to pay all that money for public broadcasters, you'd hope for a pretty high standard.

German public broadcasting is actually the most expensive in the world, with 23 TV and 63 radio stations having an annual budget of around €8.4 billion, more than Britain's BBC, which provides a huge variety of original programming across television and radio.

Crime series Tatort is probably the most famous programme you'll get in Germany – it has been running continuously since 1970. German TV is obsessed with detective series, but apart form that and daily topical shows, you're left with little to choose from.

And when they do air a good blockbuster you'll discovering that it’s been dubbed. What’s wrong with subtitles? No one wants to watch James Bond when Daniel Craig has the voice of a bored German accountant.

4. Selling 20 types of pickle, but no Asian food

On first arriving in Deutschland, you are no doubt thrilled by the new supermarkets. Shopping abroad is always more exciting. But sadly, this novelty soon wears off.

Firstly, the layout in German shops is entirely illogical, and rarely well signed. If you want to buy some tortellini for dinner, you’ll have to go to the meat section for a mince filled one, and then find the vegetarian section for a cheese one.

And then there’s the sparse selection in general. If you’re satisfied with just eating central European food, you’ll survive just fine, but as soon as you want to stray into even the most basic oriental cuisine, you’ll be trekking off to an Asian market.

And don’t get started on the alcohol. Yes, it’s cheap, but in many supermarkets, if you want a bottle of hard liquor, you have to inform them at the till. The attendant will then go all the way to the locked alcohol aisle cabinet, locate your bottle and return to the till, meaning that the now lengthy queue behind you will make you regret you even contemplated a bottle of whisky.

5. Making you stare at your poo before you flush it

The very German lay-and-display toilet. Photo: Lexlexlex / Wikimedia Commons

Let's not beat about the bush. German bathrooms are terrible. It’s not their hygiene or their size, but their appliances.

Showers are often in baths and are attached to the wall in such a way that you have to perform a squat to get your hair wet.

Then there’s the lack of extractor fans. This means that unless you open the window (which is not recommended in December), the bathroom fills with steam, and sticks forever to the walls. So you have the choice between the arctic cold, or the humidity of a rain forest.

But worst of all are the toilets you find across much of Germany, aptly nicknamed “lay-and-display” loos by fed-up expats. These are the bizarre ones with a collecting shelf in the bowl. There’s no need to explain why you won’t like these unless you have an interest in scatological science.

6. Being super relaxed about fire

This is a more serious point. There is no federal law about smoke alarms, so each state has had to introduce them separately. In the summer of 2016, Berlin, Brandenburg and Saxony were the last states to implement such laws.

But it’s not that simple. In Berlin all new-builds must have one from 2017, but the law for existing buildings doesn't come into effect until 2021. Home owners in Bavaria still have until the end of 2017 to install them.

So, although Germany is finally bringing in laws, you probably won't have a smoke alarm if you live in the capital for another four years. Who would have thought it would take so long to install a life-saving and oh-so-small thing?

7. Interrogating you before you buy cold medicine

Almost everything is in a room at the back and not easy to get your hands on. Photo: DPA

In Germany, Apotheken (pharmacies) are on almost every street, but they do not have a great selection of over-the-counter medicine, and often interrogate you as to whether you really need it before charging you sky-high prices.

Yes, that’s because pharmacists have five years of training and know their stuff, but if you just want an aspirin does it have to be such a faff?

And then there’s the problem that pharmacies aren’t open on a Sunday. That would be fine if you were able to buy medicine elsewhere, but if you suddenly get a migraine on a Sunday, you’re really going to struggle to find anything to help.

8. Not replacing public holidays if they fall on a weekend

In most European countries, if Christmas falls on a Sunday, you'll get Tuesday off as compensation. But not in Germany. Here, if the public holiday falls on the weekend that's just bad luck. And strangely, polling shows that most Germans think this is the way it should be.

And while we're on the topic of public holidays, why does Bavaria get 13, while Berlin only gets nine? They get the sun, the mountains, Oktoberfest and more holidays? That's not right!

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For members

LIVING IN GERMANY

Living in Germany: Battles over Bürgergeld, rolling the ‘die’ and carnival lingo

From the push to reform long-term unemployment benefits to the lingo you need to know as Carnival season kicks off, we look at the highlights of life in Germany.

Living in Germany: Battles over Bürgergeld, rolling the 'die' and carnival lingo

Deadlock looms as debates over Bürgergeld heat up 

Following a vote in the Bundestag on Thursday, the government’s planned reforms to long-term unemployment benefits are one step closer to becoming reality. Replacing the controversial Hartz IV system, Bürgergeld (or Citizens’ Allowance) is intended to be a fair bit easier on claimants.

Not only will the monthly payment be raised from €449 to €502, but jobseekers will also be given a grace period of two years before checks are carried out on the size of their apartment or savings of up to €60,000. The system will also move away from sanctions with a so-called “trust period” of six months, during which benefits won’t be docked at all – except in very extreme circumstances. 

Speaking in parliament, Labour Minister Hubertus Heil (SPD) said the spirit of the new system was “solidarity, trust and encouragement” and praised the fact that Bürgergeld would help people get back into the job market with funding for training and education. But not everyone is happy about the changes. In particular, politicians from the opposition CDU/CSU parties have responded with outrage at the move away from sanctions.

CDU leader Friedrich Merz has even branded the system a step towards “unconditional Basic Income” and argued that nobody will be incentivised to return to work. 

The CDU and CSU are now threatening to block the Bürgergeld legislation when it’s put to a vote in the Bundesrat on Monday. With the conservatives controlling most of the federal states – and thus most of the seats in the upper house – things could get interesting. Be sure to keep an eye out for our coverage in the coming weeks to see how the saga unfolds. 

Tweet of the week

When you first start learning German, picking the right article to use can truly be a roll of the “die” – so we’re entirely on board with this slightly unconventional way to decide whether you’re in a “der”, “die”, or “das” situation. (Warning: this may not improve your German.) 

Where is this?

Photo: picture alliance/dpa | Boris Roessler

Residents of Frankfurt am Main and the surrounding area will no doubt recognise this as the charming town of Kronberg, which is nestled at the foot of the Taunus mountains.

This atmospheric scene was snapped on Friday morning, when a drop in temperatures saw Kronberg and surrounding forests shrouded in autumnal fog.

After a decidedly warm start to November, the mercury is expected to drop into single digits over the weekend. 

Did you know?

November 11th marked the start of carnival season in Germany. But did you know that there’s a whole set of lingo to go along with the tradition? And it all depends on where you are. First of all, the celebration isn’t called the same thing everywhere. In the Rhineland, it’s usually called Karneval, while people in Bavaria or Saxony tend to call it Fasching. Those in Hesse and Saarland usually call it Fastnacht. 

And depending on where you are, there are different things to shout. The ‘fools call’ you’ll hear in Cologne is “Alaaf!” If you move away from Cologne, you’ll hear “Helau!” This is the traditional cry in the carnival strongholds of Düsseldorf and Mainz, as well as in some other German cities.

In the Swabian-Alemannic language region in the southwest of the country, people yell “Narri-Narro”, which means “I’m a fool, you’re a fool”. In Saarland at the French border, they shout “Alleh hopp!”, which is said to originate from the French language. 

Lastly, if someone offers you a Fastnachtskrapfe, say yes because it’s a jelly-filled carnival donut. And if you’re offered a Bützchen? It’s your call, but know that it’s a little kiss given to strangers!

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