SHARE
COPY LINK

FAMILY

Are French mothers-in-law really that bad?

Intrusive and domineering French mothers-in-law are responsible for an "epidemic" of divorces between French people and their British spouses, a report in the British media has claimed. Are they really a source of splits?

Are French mothers-in-law really that bad?
Photo: Jose Antonio Morcillo Valencianio
The word in French for mother-in-law is belle-mère – or “beautiful mother”. Similarly, the French word for daughter-in-law translates to “beautiful daughter”.
 
With such a sweet start to the relationship, you have to wonder why a Google search of “French mother-in-law” immediately brings up “from hell” and “problems”. 
 
In fact, it appears that something of an intrusive personality on the part of the French belle-mère is causing serious rifts in cross-Channel relationships.
 
At least that's according to the UK newspaper the Sunday Times, which claimed there was “an epidemic” of divorces between British women and French men right now. Although the paper based this statement wholly on “anecdotal evidence”.
 
So is there really a problem with the French mother-in-law?
 
One European woman in France told The Local that she has had her fair share of hoops to jump through with her French mother-in-law – especially at the dinner table. 
 
“She even told me once that I filled my glass up too much. A mistake I never made again. I was mortified.”
 
The woman added that she felt pressured to be present at all the “sacred” family gatherings, even if there were more than a couple each month.
 
“You have to have a really good excuse to not turn up, meaning you spend a lot of time at your parents-in-law,” she says, adding that the frequency of the visits left her own family back home jealous. 
 
Photo: Dominique Chappard/Flickr
 
Another Anglo reader with solid experience of la belle-mère told The Local that his French wife's mother was “sweet and generous… but it always felt like there was an undertone”.
 
“I've found that French mothers can be more interfering and more protective. My friends say the same thing. Plus she always judges my cooking,” he added.

 
A reader in a similar situation said: “I wouldn't even risk cooking for my French mother-in-law. My nerves couldn't take it.
 
“She often has this look of disappointment and regret on her face which says: 'You're fine, I like you, but I wish you were French'.
 
An American in Paris was far more positive of his experience with his mother-in-law.

“Although she tends to view the US as “the evil empire”, or at least thinks US leaders are untrustworthy, she does not transfer that view towards me,” he told The Local.

“She is very supportive of my speaking to my children in English, and happily entertains US foods, sports and trends that inevitably creep into our household.

“If I offer her a beer for apéro she is happy to accept. She won’t reach for the bottle of Bourgogne instead.”

So while there may be issues, is there really an epidemic of failing relationships brought down by French mums?

Jill Bourdais, a psychotherapist specializing in couples who has lived in France for almost 40 years, says the extent of the issue is “exaggerated”, but that it does crop up “every now and then”.  
 
 
“It's definitely is a phenomenon, but I don't know if you can target the French for it. If you were to walk down a street in the UK you'd find some people who dislike their mother-in-laws – and others who say theirs are great,” she tells The Local. 
 
But she believes that there are some cultural differences between French families and others that can prove trying for bi-national families – especially when money is involved.
 
“In my time, in the US, our parents paid for our university education and then expected their adult children to fend for themselves. In France, higher education is largely funded by the state, meaning that parents have more disposable income later down the line because they haven't shot their wad on their children's education.”
 
“This makes French children a bit more indebted to their parent, and means French parents can be more involved in their adult children's lives. Because the parents are more involved financially, they therefore feel like they have the right to put in their two cents. Some parents are very involved, taking children regularly on holidays, and other things that may be seen as interfering.”
 
 
Photo: Kevin Dooley/Flickr
 
So what's her advice for someone struggling with her French mother-in-law?
 
“A woman has the choice – she can either defend herself and risk creating conflict, or let it go. The husband is often reluctant to intervene because of a loyalty bond to his mother, so asking him to do so when the problem is the wife's won't necessarily help.
 
“You have to be prepared for cultural clashes. A French mother-in-law won't have the same take on how to raise children, she might complain about they dress, how they talk, how much they read.”
 
“If you do have a problem, invite her out to lunch, say that you need to talk about what's going on between the two of you. Start by giving her all the positives, then say that there are a few things that really bother you and wait for her reaction. Then take it from there.”
 
The ultimate taboo?
 
Of course, the matter is somewhat clouded by the fact that many people don't dare to speak out about it. Even to therapists, perhaps. 
 
Bourdais says that when raising the topic with a colleague, they admitted they'd never heard a complaint about mother-in-laws from a client. Bourdais also recalled that when the topic of French mother-in-laws was brought up in a monthly magazine for around 500 American wives of European men, most women were actually very admiring of their French belle-mère
 
“Those who wrote in were almost all laudatory. But then, I figured that any women who actually disliked their mothers-in-laws probably wouldn't put it in print. 500 women can't all be happy.” 
 
Other therapists The Local spoke with suggested that bi-cultural families usually suffer from a whole range of cultural differences and very few would pin it down on just one family member.
 
Cynthia Davis said that she even had a client who complained that their “expressive French husband's” face seemed far too “contemptuous”. 
 
So it appears that drinking, cuisine, raising children, money and indeed language are all some of the cultural pressure points, that if pressed can easily cause friction between Gallic in-laws and expats.
 
But then again any kind of relationship can be affected by these differences and perhaps a little more effort on the part of foreigners would go a long way to smoothing over problems.
 
And while the French mother-in-law be difficult so too can a mother-in-law from anywhere. 
 
As they say, you only need to mix around the letters of “mother-in-law” to get “Woman Hitler”.
 
Good luck with yours.  

Member comments

Log in here to leave a comment.
Become a Member to leave a comment.
For members

PROPERTY

French property: What is buying ‘en tontine’?

If you're buying property in France, you might be thinking about buying 'en tontine' - this has advantages especially when it comes to France's strict inheritance laws, but can also have tax implications.

French property: What is buying 'en tontine'?

What is it?

The ‘clause de tontine’ sometimes also known as a ‘clause d’accroissement’ is a clause that is inserted into the property deeds when you are buying a house or apartment.

It can only be inserted during the purchase, and cannot be added later.

It’s basically a ‘group purchase’. It’s most commonly used by unmarried couples who are buying together but it can be used by larger groups too – for example a group of friends buying a holiday home together.

You will have to ask a notaire to draw up the tontine clause during the property purchase and it can only be used if 

  • the parties are equally involved in the financing of the purchase
  • the parties involved have a roughly equal life expectancy (for this reason tontine clauses may be rejected if there is a significant difference in age between the purchasers)

What’s the point of it?

The main reason that people use it is to sidestep France’s strict inheritance laws, which assign that a certain portion of every estate must go to children, at the expense of a partner. 

READ ALSO How France’s strict inheritance laws work

For this reason it is particularly used by couples who have children from previous relationships.

On a property with a tontine clause in effect, when one owner dies their share of the property passes in its entirely to the other member/members of the tontine.

This cuts out children from inheritance, but means that a surviving partner is not evicted from their home in favour of the children of the deceased. 

It also has the advantage of making the intentions of the deceased clear, to avoid arguments among heirs after their death.

It should be noted, however, that the tontine clause only takes in the property that it covers – other assets may be subject to French inheritance law so it’s therefore probably wise to arrange a will, to ensure your wishes for your estate are met.

The surviving party can ask a notaire to update the property deeds to show that they are the sole owner, if they want. Be aware there will be a fee, which could reach four figures for the privilege – and it doesn’t actually involve any change to the property title.

Drawbacks

The advantages of the system are clear, especially for blended families, but there are some potential drawbacks too, which mean that anyone considering buying in this way would be well advised to take proper legal advice before they start.

Inheritance tax – while a tontine will help you to avoid restrictions on inheritance, it does not exempt you from inheritance tax. French inheritance tax is structured according to your relationship to the deceased, and people who are neither married nor related to the deceased pay an eye-watering inheritance tax rate of 60 percent.

The only exception to this top rate of inheritance tax is if the property is your main residence and it is valued at under €76,000 – in that case, tax is paid at a rate of 5.8 percent.

Married couples and family members pay a much lower rate or not tax, but if you’re not married to your tontine co-purchaser, be careful that you’re not lining yourself up for a massive tax bill in future years.

Wealth tax – depending on the value of the property, it could tip you over into the ‘wealth tax’ category when you inherit. France’s wealth tax is a real estate based tax and is levied on anyone who has real estate assets (property and land) worth €1.3 million or more.

The calculation includes property held en tontine.

Tax savings – you might hear tontines being advised as a way to limit your French tax liability.

While this used to be true, changes to tax laws means there are no no significant tax advantages to buying this way – the same is true for buying a property via an SCI, which used to represent a tax saving until the law was tightened up.

Disinheriting family membersOne side effect of the tontine clause on mixed families is to effectively disinherit any children of the first person to die.

Because the property passed to the survivor, under French law, only their direct descendants – rather than any family by marriage – are entitled to automatic inheritance.

That means that the children of the surviving partner will be entitled to the statutory share of the entire asset (between 25 and 30 percent depending on the number of children), but the children of the first person to die will be entitled to nothing. Obviously you can choose to leave them something in your will, but you can only leave them some or all of the estate which is not automatically given to the children on the survivor.

Divorce/dispute – if the members of the tontine split up or (in the case of friends) fall out, then they can either sell the whole property or agree to buy each other out.

However, if one party refuses to sell, then you have very limited legal options – unlike a standard property purchase a tontine is not regarded as joint ownership, so one partner cannot be forced to sell as part of a divorce procedings, for example.

Basically the tontine can only be ended or changed with the agreement of all parties – so if you can’t agree between yourselves then you may be stuck with it.

SHOW COMMENTS