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HELEN

How to put the romance back in your relationship

Has your marriage lost its initial excitement and romance? Have the original sparks of fire grown cold? Marriage and Family Therapist Helen Rudinsky has advice on how to re-romanticize your relationship.

Published: 16 September 2015 09:47 CEST
How to put the romance back in your relationship
Miss those special times together? Photo: Catalin Vlahos-Ionita/Flickr

In the early stages of a love relationship, we freely exchange caring behaviours with our partner. As time passes though, we often discontinue these behaviours, or we begin to keep score creating a tit-for-tat mentality. This happens in almost every relationship.

Sven and Hana came to see me after seven years of marriage, three children, a job transfer, and the death of a parent had taken its toll. They both felt tired and disconnected from each other.

What had happened? Had they fallen out of love? No, not at all.

During couples counselling Sven and Hana realized they both still loved each other. But they came to understand that if they wish to create a loving relationship for the long-haul, they must intentionally and actively re-romanticize their relationship by restoring intentional loving exchanges between each other.  

These caring behaviours are ways we show our love for our partner. They are specific behaviours that make our partner feel loved and cared for. Caring behaviours are gifts, they are not bartering tools. They are given without a price tag attached  Both partners need to feel loved and cared for unconditionally, without having to do anything in return.

Some couples believe their partners should know automatically what they want without being told, and they get angry when the other doesn't meet their unspoken needs.

Sven and Hana had to learn it is much more effective to take responsibility for letting the other know what he or she wants and needs from the other. They learned to clearly ask for what they wanted from the other.

I helped them get back the feelings of tenderness and passion they both felt in the early days of their relationship. They both became aware of the specific caring behaviours they wanted from the other.

They then each made a list for the other, these are the steps they took:

Making your List of Caring Behaviours

1. Identify what your partner is already doing that pleases you. On a sheet of paper complete the following sentence, being specific and positive: “I feel loved and cared for when you…” Examples: Massage my back, listen when I am upset, compliment me on a job well done, take me dancing…

2. Now think back on the early, romantic stage of your relationship. Were there caring behaviours that your partner did for you, that he/she is no longer doing and that you miss? Complete the sentence: “I used to feel loved and cared for when you…” Examples: Went for a walk with me after dinner, watched football with me, helped with the dishes, rubbed my feet…

3. Now think of caring, loving behaviours that you always wanted but never asked for. They should not be activities that are a present source of conflict. Complete the sentence: “ I would like you to…” Examples: Go backpacking with me, skinny dip with me at the lake, watch old movies with me…

4. Exchange lists. Read your partner's list. Put an “X” by any items you are not willing to do at this time. Starting tomorrow, do at least two caring behaviours a day for the next two months, starting with the easiest ones.

Sven and Hana were surprized at what happened. Creating the list and doing the requested caring behaviours was a powerful exercise.They started getting back the feelings of tenderness and pleasure they longed for.

They were able to restore their initial romance and passion. Then they put together a plan to create an ongoing, satisfying love relationship despite all the pressures of their daily lives.

When we do caring behaviours on a daily basis, our relationship will feel more loving and safe. We need to give caring behaviours regardless of how we feel about our partner, and regardless of the number of caring behaviours we receive. Only this can put an end to a tit-for-tat mentality.

When we put our energy into improving our relationship and re-romanticizing it, we can start creating the loving, supportive relationship we always wanted. Give it a shot and reap the rewards!

Source: “Getting the Love You Want” Harville Hendrix, PhD

Helen Rudinsky is a Marriage and Family Therapist serving couples, individuals and children in Vienna's expat community.

HELEN

Why Christmas should mean more than gifts

Most people want Christmas to be more than gift opening. They want it to be a time to express the values that are most important to them. Marriage and Family Therapist Helen Rudinsky has advice on how to celebrate the holiday with family and friends in meaningful ways.

Published: 10 December 2015 09:20 CET
Why Christmas should mean more than gifts
Photo: Jennifer C./Flickr

Unfortunately, many of us have been taught by our consumer-oriented culture to think of Christmas as a time to give and get presents. Presents are the easy way out. But what do people really want and need at this time of the year?

Most people: Your friends, family members, and especially children need a relaxed and loving time with each other. Ironically, this is exactly what many people miss out on during this time.

Ask any child whether he would rather have exhausted, irritable parents and grandparents or ones who are responsive, happy, well rested and available to spend quality time with them, and you will see what I mean.

Reduce spending

Many of us need to simplify our lives during the holiday season. This may mean not baking six types of Christmas cookies this year, or not attending all three Christmas concerts.

Ask yourself does this activity add something of value to your enjoyment of the season or is it just using up time, energy and money with no positive return?

Other questions to ask are: What do I really get out of this activity? Does it teach me something? Does this activity resonate with my values or is it just a distraction?

A significant way to simplify the holidays is to cut back on spending and gift buying. Children and others need realistic expectations about gifts. Parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles need to have an idea of what is enough – and firmly let the children on their list know that ahead of time.

If a child is voicing a desire for something you cannot afford or you do not approve of, let him/her know not to expect it and why.  Many families set price limits on gifts, or give gifts only to smaller children.

For extended families, sometimes a gift for the whole family is more manageable than gifts for every cousin, aunt and uncle. If you don't have a gift giving budget and strategy already, now is a good time to put one together.

Try to focus on the pleasure of giving by talking with family members about ways you can give to others. Maybe preparing a plate of cookies for the man who begs in front of Hofer would be a fun activity. Or cleaning out the closet and bringing toys to refugees might be meaningful for your family.

It is important to have an evenly paced holiday season. Try to avoid a big build up to opening presents. If there is too much emphasis on presents, it can lead to serious over stimulation followed by a sense of let down and depression.

If Christmas is nothing more than a frantic build up to present-opening, people end up asking: Is that all there is?  

For expats especially, it is important to establish strong family holiday traditions. Even if we spend Christmas in a different country every few years, our holiday traditions can provide us with a sense of continuity and togetherness.

Think about activities that inspire joy, express important values, bring people together and deepen your faith and spirituality. These are most likely meaningful traditions that you will want to keep from year to year.


Maybe writing a holiday newsletter together, making an “I am thankful” advent calendar, buying or making a new Christmas tree ornament each year, sponsoring a family in need, are Christmas traditions you might find enjoyable.

Counteract the commercialization of Christmas by planning a celebration that each of your family members and friends can participate in. Have a Christmas that is interactive and expresses what is important to you with those in your circle.  

You will have more fun, be more relaxed, save money and will spare yourself and others close to you the emptiness of overconsumption.

Helen Rudinsky is a Marriage and Family Therapist serving couples, individuals and children in Vienna's expat community.