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NORTHERN SWEDEN DISPATCHES

NORTH

‘Are they devil-worshippers looking for their next sacrifice?’

Shocked by the warm welcome he received by the natives, ex-Londoner Paul Connolly finds that the friendliest neighbours come from northern Sweden.

‘Are they devil-worshippers looking for their next sacrifice?’

As we pulled into the deserted recycling area at dusk, I checked the rear view mirror again. The blue Volvo was definitely following us.

It had only been doing so for the last mile or so but I was a little concerned. After all, we were new in the village. I’d already been told we were not only the first English people to move into the neighbourhood but the first non-Swedes full stop.

Some southerners had made dark insinuations that northerners were xenophobic and unfriendly. The unsmiling faces in the Volvo as it pulled in behind us seemed to suggest that these notions may have been grounded in truth.

I resolved to climb out of the car and walk towards our pursuers. I’d already learned that Swedes hate confrontation. I’m a big chap and this, combined with my generally grumpy demeanour, can often intimidate people. It was time to take control. Donna put her hand on my arm and whispered, “Be careful.”

As I strode towards the Volvo, the occupants also bounded out of their vehicle. I braced myself. I’d had a couple of similar episodes on American road-trips and had prevailed. I was going to face these people down.

In the misty half-light, my imagination had framed the previously unsmiling faces as menacing twenty-somethings. My imagination had been rather overactive.

“Welcome,” the person on the passenger side said, in a decidedly non-threatening manner, evidently not in the least bit intimidated by the oncoming lumbering oaf.

I stopped mid-stride. As my eyes became used to the mix of mist and headlights I could see that the young thug of my panicked delusions was instead an attractive fifty-something blonde.

“Hello, I’m Katrine,” she said, smiling broadly. “And this is my husband, Torgny.”

The rangy gentleman offered a friendly handshake and smiled an equally warm smile.

“We saw you driving up here and decided to follow you to welcome you to our village. We’ve heard a lot about you and wanted to say ‘hi’. You must come round for fika soon.”

With that they got back into their car, smiled and waved again and reversed out of the recycling area. They hadn’t even had any recycling to deposit. They had pursued us merely to say “Hello”.

As former denizens of London, Donna and I are not used to friendly neighbours.

We had tried in London, really we had. When one set of new neighbours moved in next door we even invited them round for dinner. They not only did not reciprocate the invite, they had pretty much snubbed us since. As far as I know we had done nothing to alienate them – we’d both had a shower that week.

As is pretty much common in London, we knew the names of only the neighbours immediately adjacent to us. We only came to learn the name of the man who lived opposite us because he appeared in the local paper having been charged with grievous bodily harm.

Swedish friends who live in Stockholm and Gothenburg have reported similar experiences. Southern Swedes, it seems, are every bit as wary of their neighbours as Londoners. Few people bother talking to neighbours they don’t know, let alone going out of their way to greet newcomers.

Here, up north, it couldn’t really be much different. Our immediate neighbours, Randy and Irene, have not only had us over for fika, they’ve drawn us a map of the village, complete with the names of our neighbours. We’ve had two dinner invites and countless impromptu chats with other residents.

Cynical to the last, we’ve tried to find ulterior motives for these acts of kindness and sociability. Have we stumbled upon a coven of devil-worshippers looking for their next sacrifice? Maybe this is a swingers’ commune, and we’ll be expected to get down and dirty with other villagers.

Or could it just be that these northerners are really, really nice and welcome friendly, outgoing new people to their community.

Just yesterday, I was thanking Randy for the use of his ride-on lawnmower (and gently ribbing him about the Swedish obsession with pathologically manicured lawns). He told me that I was welcome and then, out of nowhere, patted me on the back and said:

“You know, Paul, I am really, really glad you moved here. You are very nice, friendly people. You can’t have too many of those as neighbours.”

Paul Connolly

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PAUL CONNOLLY

‘Sweden ticks all the boxes – except for one’

Ex-Londoner Paul Connolly loves living in northern Sweden. Really, he does. If only the local delicacies didn't taste of asbestos and insulation – and that's BEFORE you even get to the fermented herring.

'Sweden ticks all the boxes – except for one'
Sweden, you're letting yourself down, writes Paul Connolly. Photo: Kr-val/Wikimedia Commons & Jurek Holzer/SvD/TT & Restaurang Tre Kronor

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We've recently had some correspondence with Migrationsverket over our Swedish citizenship application. It's not gone particularly well.

Indeed, so badly has it gone, that yesterday I started to worry that we might have to move back to my place of birth, Blighted Blighty, the self-harming, laughing stock of the civilized world.

This induced real, gut-wrenching panic. I really don't want to go back to the UK. I've made this plain in other columns.

I love northern Sweden, truly I do. I love our house overlooking a lake; I love the friendly people; I love the work-life balance; I love the gender equality; I love the community spirit.

Why would I want to return to a country incapacitated by a spasm of senseless nostalgia and anti-modernity, and presided over by a political class that has abdicated responsibility and handed over the running of the country to the old, the dim-witted and the barbaric?

I want to live in a civilized country, a forward-looking country. And Sweden ticks all the boxes – except for one. And where does it let itself down? Its food culture.

Does any country that not only allows, but celebrates the existence of kebab pizza, deserve to be called civilized? I'd imagine not many Italians would think so.

You see, northern Swedish food is lousy. There's no getting away from it. I try to be positive about everything here but the cuisine up here is undeniably abominable. 

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There are people who rave about Flying Jacob, a recipe devised by an air freight worker in the 1970s, a dish with chicken, peanuts and bananas. 

“A recipe devised by an air freight worker in the 1970s.” Has there been a more dismal phrase written in culinary history? 

I suppose we should offer thanks that the recipe doesn't conclude with 'and garnish with brown linoleum shavings'.


You can find the original recipe (in Swedish) for Flying Jacob here. Photo: Kr-val/Wikimedia Commons

Of course, a principal ingredient in the Flying Jacob is cream. 

Northern Swedes have dairy products with everything. Bloodpudding (an utterly taste-free distant cousin of the UK's delicious black pudding) is eaten with butter. BUTTER!

It's the same with palt, a food that was used when the Swedish army had run out of cannonballs in 17th century warfare.

I'm not actually sure what palt is made from. 

It could be a wood industry by-product, or perhaps now that asbestos is banned from use in construction work, they've found another purpose for it as the principal ingredient in one of northern Sweden's least tasty and most-hard-to-chew, er, delicacies.

I've tried palt, of course I have. My twin girls love it and have insisted I try it (with butter, of course!). 

My verdict? I've never actually eaten insulation but I imagine it's not too dissimilar in texture and taste to palt.

But it's not been a complete dead loss. The girls, displaying that bewildering toddler fascination for terrible food, love it, for example. And there was a local dog that sometimes trotted onto our land for a spot of toilet action.

One well-aimed palt boulder soon disabused Lasse of the notion that Connolly Acres was a safe haven for a bowel movement. He's not been seen since.

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A ball of palt. Photo: Jurek Holzer/SvD/TT

Food is so terrible up here that I wasn't even going to mention surströmming – the rotting, fermented herring that all Swedes claim to love.

In any case, surströmming is a national rather than regional food. When I say 'food', what I really mean is 'dare'. Because that's what it is. It's a dare. The vast majority of Swedes don't eat it because they like the taste.

If they genuinely enjoyed the taste why would they place the tiniest flake of rotting flesh on a piece of tunnbröd and smother it in potato salad, cheese and onions? How can you taste that?

No, if Swedes really enjoyed surströmming, the way they proclaim to, they'd be scooping it out of the tin – in much the same way as Winnie The Pooh uses his paws to eat honey from those big jars – not covering it in a mountain of other ingredients that are used purely to disguise the foul taste of hell.

However, it's the north's pizza obsession that most baffles me. They don't even like proper pizza. 

Kebab pizza? Hamburger pizza? It's pizza for toddlers.


Kebabpizza, one of the most popular pizzas in Sweden. Photo: Maja Suslin/TT

Ask for extra fresh tomato on your pizza, and they look at you as if you've asked for the sacrifice of their first-born. But ask for another couple of kilos of kebab meat or a litre of bearnaise sauce and they'll smile and oblige happily.

Bearnaise, yeah, there's that butter again. This reliance on dairy is easy enough to explain. Cream, milk and cheese are all easily-accessible in the north; they're local foods in the same way that tomatoes, peppers and onions are staples in the Mediterranean. 

And, during the cold winters of the past, the populace needed to fatten up.

But it's 2019 now. We have central heating. How about trying something that isn't smothered in cream or invented by an air freight worker (would you want to fly in a plane designed by Gordon Ramsay?)? 

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How about some food with tomatoes?

Tomatoes have been our stock ingredient, the base of nearly everything (non-child related) we cook, since our London days. 

We've had northern Swedes over for dinner and they've been clearly discomfited by the pronounced absence of dairy in the food – one chap picked at his tiny portion of tomato-based food as if expecting to uncover a hand grenade.

I'm pretty sure most of the villagers here think we're part of some tomato-obsessed cult.

My neighbours are mustard-keen gardeners. They have a greenhouse where they grow huge numbers of tomatoes. A year or so after we moved here, I asked them what they cook with them.

The woman looked at me, puzzled, a big bowl of tomatoes in her hand.

“Cook? No, I don't cook with them. I just grow them because I like to. And because we know you like them.”

And she handed over the bowl of lovely tomatoes. And has continued to do so every summer since.

It's an exchange that encapsulates northern Sweden: wonderful neighbourliness and a total aversion to good food.

Paul Connolly is a Skellefteå-based writer and monthly columnist for The Local. Follow him on Facebook and read more of his writing on The Local.

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